Heavy

2009 is a different year from the others. Actually very different. Ups and Downs.

Ups. Concert. Cell group mate married. Great CG mates. Wonderful Family. Fantastic Friends. Passing postings. Blessing to audience, patients. Financial freedom. Maturity. Knowledge about much more things. Luxury branding. Nice.

Downs. Sweat. Tears. Breakups. Low scores on certain tests. Fragile life. Disease.

Why. Downs seem to remain much more than ups... perhaps cos its more recent... even if christmas is in the air. Celebration mood was totally gone actually... after that happened.

Thought i would have wrote about it on monday itself when i was there. It was different. Ever worshipped God with grief? Ever offered the sacrifice of praise? I finally understood what that mean. Nothing like that had ever shaken me so much. Its just so real. So sudden. So overwhelming. I remember that night as one of the heaviest night in my whole life. Ever felt yourself sinking into nothingness, feeling of derealisation was so real. I do not actually know why. I felt both limbs just sink down and root to the ground. Ever wondered how that feels like? I was seated, yet it was as though a thousand times of my weight was pressing down on my legs. I couldn't move them after the short eulogy. I just can't. It was as though gravity wouldnt let my tears off either and they just kept coming. It was just plain straight in your face. I did not know how i managed to carry myself through.

Sea of faces yet none of them seemed recognisable for a moment. My mind went blank. I do not know. It took quite some time before I reoriented myself back then, before i could think and talk properly. Yes a part of me wanted to leave yet a part wanted to stay. I reached home a bit blank.

Thinking about life. Thinking about God. Thinking about purpose. Thinking about grief. Thinking about heaven & Jesus. I really really just hope that you are holding her right then. That she was comfortable and peaceful just next to you.

May peace and comfort always be on your family & friends.

I did wonder, if one day, it happens to someone of such closeness to me... would i still have the perfect faith... would i still be able to give the sacrifice of praise... when now it has already stretched me to one end...

it really is different when you have seen things that are just so heavy..... Give me strength father.